Archive for December, 2003

The Washing Machine

Published by
julie
at December 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 5 Comments

(March 2002) Tonight was my second night working as a volunteer at Cedars Sinai Medical Center’s Pediatrics Unit. I felt really lost and uncomfortable when I first got there, since it seems I was always obstructing the path of the doctors and nurses on the floor, and felt really alone since there were no other volunteers on the floor at night. Plus, most of the children have their parents to keep them company, so it’s a bit difficult to feel comfortable and helpful. The beginning of the evening found me sitting alone in the playroom, silently pleading with God to make me of some use. A few minutes after that, I forced myself to get up and stop being a baby. I walked in the room of 8-month old Briana, who was propped up in her crib, alone, with tubes going into her nostrils, an i.v. in her hand and an oxygen mask over her little face. The nurse walked in, and commented on how Briana sounded like a washing machine when she breathed. I thought the loud noise was coming from the machine she was hooked up to. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I ended up spending over an hour just rocking this sweet little girl who’s parents were no where to be found. The nurse said they hadn’t been there the night before, either.
She fussed for about half the time I held her, but calmed down after about 45 minutes. She clutched my finger in one of her hands. It made me sad that I couldn’t even touch her without wearing gloves and a protective gown. The respiratory therapist soon came in and stuck tiny tubes deep into each of her nostrils as I held her- about 12 inches down her passageway, into her lungs. She didn’t like that much, but calmed down soon after and seemed to breath easier. When I finally picked her off my lap to put her back in the crib to tend to other children, I turned her to face me. I started smiling and talking to her. Under the tubes in her nose and oxygen mask, she started laughing.

In a matter of minutes, God changed my whole experience and reminded me again that I was not there for me. I was there for Him.

YOU DON’T BELONG HERE

Published by
julie
at December 26, 2003 in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Ever notice that we are constantly being hit with tons of things that annoy and/or inconvenience us? With this in mind, I have created a list that, ideally, should be required reading for everyone I come in contact with.

Here are some helpful hints for you to follow to avoid annoying me, and probably most of the population, for that matter:

1. Do not automatically think that you belong in the fast lane simply because you enjoy driving there and/or feel cool doing so. What is it with you people? We can’t ALL belong in that lane, can we now? And chances are, YOU don’t. From now on, please make sure you are going AT LEAST 70 mph before you even think about jamming up the fast lane.

Not sure if you belong in the fast lane? Do you own a car that was born in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or 80’s? Are you transporting tons of lawn-maintenance material that is weighing down the bed of your truck? Are you the dude I passed on the right hand side who was reading some kind of map/letter/novel while driving? Kindly remove your head from your bum and get into one of the slower lanes. Or, better yet, catch up on your reading in the comfort of your own home and stay off the road entirely.

2. Don’t spend a lot of time talking on your cell phone to other people if you are supposed to be spending time with me. Take notice if I am sitting in front of you like a fool, sheepishly smiling along with whatever you are talking to your phone buddy about.

Am I that unbearable to be with? It makes me feel stupid and unappreciated. And chances are, I am not the only one who feels like this. In fact, I just conducted an impromptu focus group, (only one person was available at such short notice) and the group (person) concluded that this makes them feel stupid and unappreciated, as well.

(Thanks to husband Rob for making himself available for valuable research)

3. For God’s sake, cover your mouth when you are coughing and/or sneezing. Especially if you are a stranger who is passing me head-on and I have to WALK THROUGH your heinous germs to get to my destination. Seriously, didn’t your parents teach you anything? And while you are at it, grab a tissue and get rid of all that crap you keep trying to suck back down into your lungs. Trust me, it’s trying to escape. It definitely wants out.

4. If you are enough of a saint to send little ol’ me a Christmas card, please include some kind of personally written greeting before you sign your name. Trust me, it just takes about 5 seconds per card. Does anyone like to receive a card that just has the senders name written bluntly after the pre-printed greeting on the inside of the card? I mean, why bother to send the card in the first place if you are not at least sending it “sincerely” or with “love”? Can you make it any more obvious that you are just sending me a card out of obligation? That you resent having to send someone like me a card in the first place? Why do you hate me so much?

Disclaimer: This does not apply to those photo cards everyone with a baby is now sending. Reason being, the photo serves as a glimpse into your life. And that is personal. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to also have a hand-written greeting, but I will let you off the hook on this one. It is Christmas, after all, and you have your hands full with all those kids you keep having.

5. Bag your own groceries. You are capable, trust me. Imagine how much time it would save mankind if every able -bodied food shopper bagged their own groceries? I mean, you are just standing there, useless, willing the cashier to move faster. C’mon. Be of use, Nancy Boy. Let’s revolutionize grocery shopping!

6. Finally, don’t tell me you didn’t like the final Matrix. Think about it: who are you to question the brothers Wachowski? You know I’m right.

FREE ADVICE FOR ALL THE RAPPERS THAT READ MY BLOG

Published by
julie
at December 16, 2003 in Uncategorized. 3 Comments

The other day, I was indulging in my semi-monthly Smiths/Morrissey dance party.

Well, it wasn’t much of a party, since I was the only human present and it has become fairly obvious that felines don’t seem to have much of an appreciation for fine 80’s – era music. (Husband Rob sees that as a cat character flaw, but trust me, he looks for any excuse to put the poor bastards down.) And come to think of it, there wasn’t too much actual dancing going on, either. Anyway, I had one of those insights that come along far too infrequently in life.

How lame is it that 90% of you so-called artists (at least those of you being played on equally lame radio stations) only write songs about either killing people or doing the nasty?

One has only to pick up a Smiths or Morrissey album to see fine examples of all the OTHER interesting things there are to write about out there. And, should you chose to take my advice, I have even gone so far as to take some of the guesswork out of it for you, my fine rapper readers. Below are are some helpful hints taken directly from old Smiths/Morrissey albums.

These song subjects seem to have worked well for them, and since most of your fan base consist of pre- pubescents (how neat that you are marketing such songs to the young ‘uns, by the way…brilliant!), and have therefore not even heard of these artists, they wont know the ideas aren’t original.

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for you 50 Cents, Nellys and Nases out there. And, granted that you are all already mega-millionaires, I am giving you this advice absolutely free of charge. I consider it to be for the good of society, that’s all. Its not because I like you or anything. Although your music is kinda cool, despite all this. And I am happy that famous people may be reading my blog right now. Cool!

So…..why not at least consider writing about the following:

1. The poignancy of your non-existent girlfriend (shorty, to some of you) being in a coma (this seems to work particularly well if you claim to be “non-sexual”, but really just like dudes before its fashionable to do so)

2. Your favorite kick-ass hairdresser (your hairstylist will be absolutely TICKLED and you will be smiling all they way to the bank. Win win. You’re welcome.)

3. A lame-ass d.j. (one simply has to tune into any of the myriad of popular radio station to find a suitable subject.)

4. Do you have a friend who is lucky enough to have a lisp which has rocketed him or her to superstardom? Write about it!

5. How about that boss you hate? Everyone has one of those. This works particularly well if his name rhymes with a word such as “‘frankly”)

6. Want to wish a rival gang member an unhappy birthday? Who doesn’t?

7. Good old- fashioned romance is all but dead. So why not write a song about how it would be an honor to have a double decker bus (works particularly well if your song takes place in England) kill you and your beloved at the same time? That will tug at the heartstrings of young and old alike.

So there you go, inconsiderate rapper guys and Britney Spears clones. If you take my advice, I will no longer be able to hold you buttheads responsible for the degradation of society. Try making out with Madonna to a song about how the vicor in your boarding school has a fetish for wearing ballerina attire. It just won’t work. And we will all be happier to be relieved of those kinds of lame-ass shenanigans.