reading rob’s recent blogs (check out www.spiralplanet.com/roblog) has inspired me to write again. so what if no one reads this? apparently it will help me sort some things out. plus, i fancy myself an accomplished novice writer. even though, thanks to years of using automatic spell check, i have lost my high- ranking position at the top of the spelling hierarchy. the electronic age is killing what little talents i have.
talents. for forever i have been practicing the constant analysis of my talents. for my whole life i have been bemoaning my lack of talent in anything. then, the other day, i realized that the problem is not that i am lacking in talent, its that i dont have the discipline to finely develop any of my talents. for example, i can draw quite well. and, thanks to a year of design school, i can do a pretty great rendering of a house. i can cook quite well. i have a great sense of style, particularly when it comes to decorating homes and bodies.
in a caffeine-induced high, i think about how i can just launch my own design business. i think of how my services can be low-key and affordable, how i can advertise by putting flyers in coffee houses and whole foods markets. then, reality quickly sets in. most people who hang out in coffee houses arent going to spend money on decorating their rentals. some people might call me pessimistic, but i am simply a realist. and years of trying stuff that has failed makes me reluctant to try yet another thing that is going to fail. i mean, why get your hopes up in the first place? i know, how very holden caulfield of me.
i am blessed. i have a husband who supports me and wants me to do anything i want to do. but i have turned it into a curse. i am overwhelmed by the possibility of trying tons more stuff i will eventually give up on or fail at. my friends’ admiration for my highly desirable position just annoys me. this gift should be bestowed on someone with much more ambition than me. that is, someone with ambition even the size of a mustard seed. someone who doesnt move to a new city where she doesnt know anyone, and spends her days cooped up in her house watching seasons one through four of sex in the city and wondering why she cant be positive and flirty and dressed to the nines 24/7 like carrie bradshaw.
when i look for jobs, i realize that i am much better at spending money than making money. i guess most people can claim that, but i mean it. i recognize it as one of my very best and well-honed talents. perhaps, in this small way, i am like carrie. and through writing this i realize another hidden talent of mine: mimicry.
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