today i learned the invaluable lesson that champagne is not a toy.
nor is it anything like water, and thus should not be consumed as such.
there is something resembling a train wreck in my head. i guess we can call this entry a follow-up to the previous entry entitled “out”. ugh.
take me out on the town so i can kill this nagging feeling that i am holed up at home when the rest of the universe is out having more fun than i, sharing a huge private joke that will leave them laughing hysterically for the rest of their lives.
take me out on the town so i can be reminded that weekend nights are filled with cheezy, loud people who smoke way too much and with whom i have nothing in common because i am ten years older and ten years lamer.
take me out on the town so we can spend way too much money for a few hours that won’t go down in history, or even my short term memory.
take me out on the town so i can live my quiet life for a few more months until that nagging feeling that i am missing out on everything returns and we can begin the cycle again
1. stop being such a bastard.
oops, wrong list. this one goes under how you can make my life better.
2. feed your cats baby food instead of canned cat food.
its less money, healthier, smells okay and they love it. just pick up a few jars of meat-only flavors and give the little guys about a teaspoon in place of the nasty wet dung you have been feeding them. a little jar lasts for about 6 feedings. even better, its packed with protein, so its really in right now.
plus, its not so bad if you accidentally eat some of their food like my mom did one thanksgiving.
3. use preparation H to combat puffy eyes.
okay, i have never actually tried this, but its one of christina ricci’s top beauty tips and it fascinates me. she didnt mention not eating as one of her tips, but i’m pretty sure its on there, too.
anyway, she says to keep it in the fridge so it works better. as soon as i can convince rob to go buy some for me, and as soon as i can figure out how to padlock my fridge so no one discovers it, i just may give it a try.
4. make the french martini your new drink of choice.
trust me on this one. for God’s sake, it’s french.
5. marry someone just like my husband.
shucks.
6. subscribe to netflix and watch back seasons of 24, alias and arrested development.
there is no better way to completely waste your time. remember, sometimes its better to watch other people live their lives then be away from the tv living your own.
7. sleep with a soft cotton shirt covering your eyes to keep the light out.
its like having your head ensconced in cotton because, well….your head actually is ensconced in cotton.
make sure its not also ensconcing your nose. that would be bad.
8. try the “personal trainer” option on the elliptical machine at the gym.
holy sweat like a pig!
9. wear comfortable shoes 100% of the time.
you may not look as good, but you will be a lot less cranky. and we all win on this one.
10. make sure all your underwear and socks are in good shape.
in fact, buy nice, expensive underwear and wear it all the time, regardless of the occasion. its worth it.
and, now that you are an adult, friggin get rid of all your white socks that are stained black and have holes in them. this way you wont be nasty. nor will you be caught off guard when you go over your asian friends house and/or somewhere that has, for some stupid reason, damned white carpet.
that’s it for now. i know some of my readers will scoff at a few, if not all, of the suggestions above, particularly if they involve spending any kind of money (dad), but i’m just keepin it real, y’all. except for the preparation H eye thing. that’s freaky.
even though my new home town is also home to the best radio station around, even kexp isn’t my friend tonight. they have been playing bluegrass for the past 400 lifetimes or so. what is up with that? kick me when i’m down.
my phone just rang. and as i jumped up to get it, i became entangled in the power cord of my laptop and it fell to the floor with a crash. the keyboard popped out in a bloody mess as if to remind me its not a toy. or that i shouldn’t be so eager to answer the phone, loser. like i need a lecture right now.
barely an hour goes by when i am not either bumping into things or dropping them. i think i am mental. or just really clumsy. history would show that i am definitely very clumsy, but perhaps a bit mental, as well. but who isn’t?
even my mom is mad at me. the same mom who once referred to me as an “ideal child”. either the world is ending or i am really hungry.
if you haven’t yet guessed it, princess is home alone and feeling sorry for herself. she misses being able to call someone on the fly and have a last minute dinner or drink. i haven’t yet established a list of friends here. but i must admit, even in my sorry state, that the 4 friends we do have up here are amazing. so, if i had to choose between the 4 fantastic friends and 40 mediocre ones, i would for shizz choose the former. so why am i complaining?
hey, i think i just wrote myself out of a crappy mood.
and i think i just burned dinner.
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