Archive for July, 2005

dictated, not watched

Published by
julie
at July 26, 2005 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

a few blogs ago, we determined that the best sound in the world is the sound of an empty beach. well, everything has its opposite, so i am happy to report that, while driving in my car this afternoon, i had another huge revelation. i realized what the worst sound in the world is: the way radio stations “sing” their stupid call letters.

the worst perpetrators: easy listening stations, e.g. “spiriiiiitttt one oh fi-i- ve threeeeee!!!!!!!” (cut to me sticking finger down throat)

to be fair, i realize that identifying one’s radio station in a decent song is a difficult, if not impossible, task. but my question is not “how” but “for God’s sake, why?”

some things are better read.

and some things are better verbally summarized. like six feet under.

i tried to watch it for a few seasons, but it didn’t do me any good. just bad. real bad. the occasional healthy emotions it coaxed out of me just couldn’t out-do the general feeling of doom that would hang over me afterwards like my own personal head hovercraft with the angel of death at the wheel.

so this season i banned it. but rob still watches it, and we have somehow developed a little ritual of sitting at the dinner table on mondays while he updates me on the gang. we dialog about keith, david and their newly adopted boys like they are our alternative lifestyle kinsmen. we puzzle over nate’s enormous capacity for unfaithfulness, and laugh about how everyone in claire’s office goes around saying “yeah, baby” like its frickin 1997.

occasionally, rob will do such a creepy job of reenacting, say, nate having a stroke immediately after cheating on his new wife, that i will have to watch the scene on tivo.

but only a few scenes here and there, so as not to summons the craft.

new

Published by
julie
at July 13, 2005 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

i just finished unintentionally hacking a highly obvious bald spot into my left eyebrow. but i guess its good because it got me wanting to tell someone about it. so here i am. writing about random things. again.

like how today has been full of introspection. not just today, though. i spend a lot of time in my head these days because i don’t have many other places to go. it has helped me realize that being in solitary confinement probably wouldn’t be too good for me. thankfully, my police record is clean so far. squeaky.

its a weird thing, being surrounded by strangers all the time. but i guess you observe people more when you are new in town and don’t yet have a world to call your own: you have to admire theirs. take the boy behind the counter today at macrina bakery. he gazed at me wistfully and gave a brilliant smile that tells me he finds me interesting or quirky. or maybe i reminded him of his mom. but he doesn’t know that his kindness made me want to record it so i don’t soon forget it. especially since i probably won’t be earning any more free smiles for a while with this freakshow for an eyebrow.

i want to be that person who makes strangers feel welcomed. its in my nature. but i feel like i am the only stranger around here, so who would i be welcoming? everyone else seems to know each other already, making me the eternal new person.

i used to call this really cool girl i worked with “new girl” or simply “new”…but i called her that for the year or so we worked together. perhaps this is payback for that. eventually, she stopped finding it funny and told me she preferred her real name. and like her, i think i am ready to stop being “new”, too.

not naive

Published by
julie
at July 11, 2005 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

its been almost a week since i decided to make a serious effort to fill my head with what is good. and that has proven to be an excellent decision. not that i can take any real credit for it.

i was finally able to get back to church this past sunday, too. this church i have found is called quest, and it has perplexed the heck out of me because…well…i just can’t find anything about it to criticize.

its a good thing, because i have tired of the role of constant critic, and have no energy left for hunting out blemishes in anything anymore. i greatly miss my old ideological self…”not naive, just ideological.” i miss the girl who was partially composed of light and love and excitement for good things.

she is still around, though, but has been beaten down by the real world. she hopes to make a partial, if not full, recovery and stay around for good this time. its too dark on the dark side.

how much is too much?

Published by
julie
at July 7, 2005 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

i read an article that suggests the reason everyone is on anti-depressants is all the negativity we are constantly being bombarded with. up-to-the-second news is at our disposal every moment of the day and it is killing our morale, or spirits, our souls. my soul.

i wake up and am consumed by the burning desire to be made aware of how shitty the world is and how far its people will go to erase any form of goodness that might still be lingering. i immediately log on to cnn.com.

the morning news is followed by the realization that i am running late for work because of the sick lure of cnn, which is followed by traffic, which is followed by the inevitable lack of available parking spaces at work. which is followed by turning on my office computer and immediately logging onto cnn and staying there.

i wonder how upset i should get when i read about things like child abductions and terrorist bombings. do i read and read until my stomach aches? how deeply do i need to feel other peoples pain? am i shallow and uncaring if i skim the headlines and dont go any further? or will that make me self-centered or assure that i will be next in line to suffer a similar fate? and does our awareness of their suffering honor the victims? how far do i let it go before it consumes me and fills me with constant fear and anger and disbelief just like i felt for so long after september 11th?

these days, horrible thoughts and images i was not even capable of imagining fill my head. is there any way to escape while staying semi-informed? you can’t use entertainment. even the majority of the fiction is negative. most forms of entertainment exist just to make sure we know how wicked we are. and sick and immoral and mean and backstabbing. and we already have cnn for that.

great, now i sound like one of those old people who call rock the devil’s music.

twice this week, rob was watching movies that made me feel so sick and overwhelmed i had to have a mini temper tantrum and flee the room. i am running out of the capacity to handle it.: real life stuff has already filled the part in my mind reserved just for evil. i know that more stuff like that just does not belong there.

i am somewhat relieved that at least i still occasionally feel the moral duty to fight the disease that results from being too informed or well-watched. i want to get angry at these things. i should, i need to. it shows that i still have some sense of decency somewhere in me and the desire and need to seek what is good.

but where do we find the positive anymore? i fear there is scant trace of it in this world and can only be found outside of it. and i want to go to that safe place and live there forever. starting now.