Archive for January, 2006

the first one who admits they’re an ass, wins

Published by
Administrator
at January 26, 2006 in Uncategorized. 1 Comment

i was talking to fond friend ling last week, about men & women, relationships, getting older, and stuff like that. girl talk.

most women say that they are more confident and forgiving of themselves, and learn to love themselves more, in their 30’s. i can relate to some of that crap, but for the most part, i have concluded that, while i do indeed know myself more now, i dont necessarily like myself any more than i did in my teens and 20’s. less, actually. but at the same time, now i am more confident. its tricky.

here’s the deal. i am essentially a pretty decent person, and have had lots of amazing stuff handed to me. but i used to think i deserved all things good, and got confused when their delivery was denied or delayed. now i look back and think what a privileged, undeserving life i have led thus far. this is what being blessed is all about - we are all unworthy of 99% of the good stuff that God chooses to bestow upon us.

i see myself as much more flawed than i was previously aware of. most of the time i am selfish, self-serving, self-absorbed, jealous, envious, greedy, gossipy, judgmental, way too sensitive, and talk with my mouth full. once in a while i am compassionate and generous and thoughtful. but the beauty in all this is recognizing that we are flawed, and loved in spite of it. but women’s magazines only talk about how we grow to love ourselves more as we get older, not that its really a love/hate thing.

if the flip side to all this self awareness is again becoming bitter about never having all i think is due me, then i shall choose to live in self deprecation, continuously trying to harshly judge only myself. and failing miserably.

SAD just doesn’t cut it

Published by
Administrator
at January 19, 2006 in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

last year was our first winter in seattle. we arrived mid-december to cold and rain and a bit of snow. but the cold and rain and bit of snow was interspersed with bursts of sun that seemed to come out of nowhere to repeatedly save you from the pits of dreary despair.

everyone talked about what a mild winter it was, very uncharacteristic for seattle. and i didnt believe them. i concluded that all the laments about the dreariness of seattle were exaggerations concocted to keep menacing people like myself from moving here. and no one ever told me about seattle summers, when the sun is out until 10pm every single day for about 4 months straight and all is happy and jolly and pleasantville-ish.

imagine my surprise come this december - january, when the sun has thus far probably shone for a grand total of about 2 hours, give or take an hour? what the hell is this?

on tuesday, i went to the cafe underneath my office. there resides a very nice italian guy who i always spend at least 10 minutes chatting with. he moved here last year, too, and is also dismayed by the grey of 2005-2006. and it shows on his face. the last time i saw him, about a month ago, he had a moderately rosy glow to him. but now he has huge dark circles under his eyes and his skin is the color of concrete. in essence, he looks like i feel; like he has been living underground for a year. i couldn’t even stand to look at him and had to flee way before the customary ten minutes were up. (plus, i seemed to have lost the ability to decipher his broken english. turns out he just discovered netflix and has been watching tons of italian movies….i concluded that this is why his english has taken a turn for the worst over the past month.)

i have done some reading up on seasonal affective disorder, and have concluded that i have a severe case of it. and that the name of my affliction is not strong enough, even with the clever acronym. the 4 days i spent in the sun of los angeles last week didnt seem to have any lasting effect on my soul. i feel like i never left seattle and that i havent seen the sun in months. send help now.

24 and counting

Published by
Administrator
at January 11, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

after 24 consecutive days of rain and dreariness, the sun has decided to pay us a visit for what may only be an hour or so. its so strange, the rejuvenating power of the sun. i want to run out of my office and frolic in the sound, which is beckoning me from our office window. yes, the sun may have given me a mild dose of treatable skin cancer, but its still my best friend. and i have missed my best friend so frickin much it hurts.
i forgot, for about 24 days, how gorgeous seattle is. i believe its beauty even surpasses that of san francisco. more water views. cleaner air. the space needle.
this means that, for as long as the sun is out, i will not pine to be anywhere else but here. until tomorrow, when rob and i got to LA for a visit, and the beautiful sound will be replaced by the endless streams of beautiful people.