on saturday evening we left seattle to transport rob’s car to los angeles. after two days of driving through hick town after hick town in oregon, northern and central california, here we are, staying at a friends house on mulholland drive. the place is right out of boogie nights. i am amazed at how many different worlds we traveled through to get here. and confused at how i can feel so displaced in what just 14 months ago was my city.
on sunday morning in some remote oregon town, we were forced to eat at denny’s. not one of those old school hip denny’s but a real denny’s. unapologetic. the way nature intended it. i just could not stop staring at the pants of one of the servers, which were covered with way too much crust and scum than just one or two shifts between washings could possibly have allowed.
we sat watching unhealthy people shovel greasy sausage and bacon down their throats, and i wondered how there could be so much laughter coming from those who are so obviously overfed and undercultered. how could they be happy when my privileged self, who should always be happy, sits squirming in her seat, wanting to run out into the street screaming in disgust?
this afternoon in los feliz, i saw a young twentysomething man lying on the sidewalk in the sun. obviously in the final stages of aids, lesions were covering every inch of his visible skin. it has been haunting me for hours, ever since i walked past and left him lying there. doesn’t that make me a monster?
later today i went to trader joe’s in studio city, and noticed that my former fond hairdresser from another lifetime had just paid for his groceries and was exiting the store. i hadn’t seen lorenzo for easily 9 or 10 years, and i called out to him in excitement. when he didn’t hear me the first time, i called out to him again, louder. he just walked out of the store while all the patrons around him looked over at me. they had all heard me, why hadn’t he?
later on i wondered if perhaps the man on the sidewalk in los feliz called out to me, too, with his cries also falling on deaf ears. maybe not in the literal. but most definitely in the figurative. only now he is still calling and calling, but i still dont know how to listen.
i have a lot of time to think, a lot of time spent in my head. today i am hyper sensitive and filled with a strong sense of displacement and confusion about the world. but i would much rather feel displaced and confused on mulholland drive than at denny’s. or lying on the sidewalk in los feliz. thanks be to God for my privileged life.
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